By Elaine

Act 7: Where's Player 2?

[It's been two days since the last attempt at getting Ranma to teach
Akane martial arts, and she still isn't speaking to him. She has
gotten Chun Li and Ryu to be her teachers though (with some random
lessons thrown in from the rest of the SF crew), and has drastically
improved]

Chun Li: See that stance? It's just inviting someone like me to do
this. (flips Akane over onto her back)

Akane: (breathless) Yes, Chun Li-sensei! (gets up and starts fighting
again) HYAA! (the two go into a martial dance, with Chun Li constantly
receding while Akane keeps the offensive)

Chun Li: Good, good! You're doing better! Watch your left side.
(chops at Akane's side, which she blocks just in time) Wonderful!
Hiyaa! (throws a slow roundhouse...well at least slow for what Chun
Li normally does, which Akane counters with her foot. With almost
impossible speed, Chun Li brings the leg around and catches Akane's
other foot, tripping her to the ground)

Akane: owwww...

Chun Li: Sorry about that. (sweatdrops and helps her up) Force of
habit, I suppose.

Akane: It's okay Chun Li-sensei...I'll work on my balance...

Chun Li: Actually, you're balance was pretty good for your level. It's
just that...well...(thinks about how to say this) I believe...you
need a sparring partner who is...well...around your fighting ability.
Me, Ryu-sensei and all the others here have had years of intensive
combat training while you're still quite young.

Akane: (looks at the lithe teenager form of Chun Li) Right. You're
older than me. I keep on forgetting about that youth formula.

Chun Li: (giggles) Yeah, it must seem sort of strange to have a sensei
who looks younger than you. I assure you, I'm actually an old fogey.
(becomes serious) But it's impossible to assess how good you are
against most people if you keep on fighting us. You need to find an
actual sparring partner.

Akane: Oh...I don't suppose you'd know one would you?

Ranma: (jumps down from the roof) Um...I think I know one who'd fit.
She's one of my best friends and is a little better than Akane but...

Akane: (very icily) Oh. You.

Chun Li: (smiles) Ohayo, Ranma. How long were you up there.

Ranma: (blushes slightly and mumbles) Not...long...just...saw you guys
practicing...and...well...

Akane: Decided to pick up on all my mistakes so you could insult me
later? Well forget it, I'm still officially not talking to you.
(walks away in a rush)

Ranma: But Akane, I... (sighs and slumps down dejectedly) I just
wanted to help.

Chun Li: Wow. I haven't seen a rejection that cold since the Dan and
Vega episode where one accidentally mistook the other for a girl.
(starts grinning madly) Now that was funny...

Ranma: (sweatdrops) Um...

Chun Li: Huh? Oh sorry...got lost in the past for a moment there.
Anyhow, back to the matter at hand. You said there was someone who
Akane could train with...

Ranma: (sighs again) What's the point? Akane's been pissed at me for
days now. And I'm still not sure I know what I did wrong.

Chun Li: Does this normally happen?

Ranma: Well...(thinks) Yeah. But smaller. Akane's usually okay by
now. I don't understand what's the matter with her these days.

Chun Li: I see. You don't suppose this might have had something to
do with all of us coming, would you?

Ranma: Huh? You guys coming? Well...now that I think about it, she
has been more moody since you came...no wait, that's not right either.
She seemed really happy the first two days...and then that disaster
with the training session happened. And now...*sigh*...

Chun Li: oh. How interesting. I'll investigate this some more. Maybe
I can wheedle it out of her...You said you had someone in mind as
Akane's sparring partner. Who, pray tell, may you be talking about?

Ranma: Akane's sparring partner? Well...I have this one friend who's
around Akane's skill level...But I'm not sure if Akane will accept
her.

Chun Li: Really? Why not?

Ranma: *sigh* It's very complicated. You see...

[meanwhile, Sakura and Cammy were busying themselves with bugging
Nabiki. Well, it's not like they meant to bug Nabiki, they were just
remarkably curious about what Nabiki was doing...]

Sakura: So what's this? (Holds up a camera)

Cammy: Why, that's a British A640 Spy Camera. Those things cost a
fortune! Why would a middle class Japanese girl like you need a
camera like that?

Nabiki: (annoyed) *sigh* I'm an avid photographer, okay? Don't touch
it.

Cammy: You must be very bloody avid. Those things are good through
any sort of circumstances. Floods, sandstorms, Pitch Black, Alien
Abductions, Nuclear Warfare...

Nabiki: (gritting teeth) Yes, I paid quite a fortune for that.

Sakura: Wow...Nuclear War. (Puts camera down on desk)

Cammy: So...why would you need such a foolproof camera?

Nabiki: You wouldn't understand. You don't live in Nerima.

Sakura: Are there nuclear wars in Nerima? I thought the bomb was
only dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki...

Nabiki: Trust me, compared to what normally happens here, a nuclear
bomb would be boring. Now if you don't mind, I'd like the room to
myself. I have a lot of work to do and if I don't get started now
I won't get it done...

Sakura: (picks up a little black book) Ooh! What's this? (starts
reading through it) Bill Gates: b-mail worth 300,000,000 USD?
What's B-mail? And what kind of mail could be worth 300 million
dollars US?

Nabiki: HEY! DON'T TOUCH THAT! (grabs the book from Sakura's hands)
THAT'S MY LIFE YOU WERE SOILING WITH YOUR FILTHY HANDS! NEVER EVER
EVER TOUCH MY BLACK BOOK!

Sakura: er...Sorry. (sweatdrops)

Nabiki: GRRRRRRR...

Cammy: Well, dearie. I must say, you look rather stressed. Are you
feeling alright. You know what you need?

Nabiki: A shotgun?

Cammy: No silly! *giggle* A shopping break! Come on, luv. It'll be
a gurl's night out! A mall raid!

Sakura: ANOTHER one?

Cammy: Yes, another one. Only this time, we'll take Nabiki with us.
Do some girl bonding. Come on Nabiki!

Nabiki: Sorry, I'm busy. I have so much stuff to do.

Cammy: Oh put it all away! (grabs Nabiki's arm firmly) You are going
to have fun with us. Understand?

Nabiki: I'd really rather Noooo-yipe! (gets thrown over Cammy's
shoulder) Hey! Put me down!

Cammy: Not a chance, luv. You're having fun with us, whether you like
it or not. Understand? Good, let's march! Hup hup!

Sakura: Cammy can be remarkably persuasive, don't you think?

Nabiki: HeEEEEeeeEEEELP!!!

[Back to our favorite Chinese warrior and Japanese aqua-sexual
teenager. They're on their way into the busier district of Nerima,
talking along the way]

Chun Li: So let me get this straight. You chose food over her?

Ranma: Well, for one I didn't know it was a her. Second, I was
five at the time and didn't know better.

Chun Li: Right, and then she came here dressed as a guy?

Ranma: And I fought her, thinking she was a guy, and beat her. But
during our match, I accidentally ripped open her shirt and found out
she was actually a girl.

Chun Li: Right...

Ranma: Anyhow, she has an interesting fighting style...though I'm
afraid I'll hafta ask her to lose the giant spatula if you want her
as Akane's sparring partner.

Chun Li: Spatula?

Ranma: mmhmm, her weapon of choice. Though, if Akane keeps whipping
out that hammer, it'll put them both on the same foot. Hum...well,
first we've got to see if she'll spar first.

Chun Li: Okay. So where does she live?

Ranma: (points at a small cafe in front of him) Right there. ChuLi,
I introduce you to the restaurant with the best okonamiyaki in the
world, Ucchans. And it's masterful chef, Ukyo Kuonji.

[cue dramatic drumming music. dum dum dum!]